DVD Review: Bending All The Rules

Title: Bending All The Rules
Studio/Distributor: eOne Entertainment
Directors: Morgan Klein and Peter Knight
Principal Cast: Colleen Porch, David Gail, Bradley Cooper
Release Date: June 21, 2011
Length: 93 minutes
Stars: 1

I foolishly fell for the DVD distributor’s see-through tactic of releasing an old film (2002) of the now successful and famous Bradley Cooper (“The Hangover”, “Limitless”) and an otherwise unknown cast, thinking that Bending All The Rules might be a fun, sexy and romantic comedy sleeper.  How bad could it be with Bradley Cooper in it?  He’s a whole lotta eye candy.  God, I was so wrong!  I am also so bummed that I cannot get those 87 minutes of my life back.  I had to watch this movie on two separate occasions because it was so terrible that I couldn’t sit through it all at once.  This is possibly the worst movie I’ve ever seen … and I’ve seen Plan 9 From Outer Space!

The writing is awful, the music is dreadful (think 1980s soap opera), the lighting is a joke, budget and directing non-existent (shame on you Morgan Klein & Peter Knight for thinking that you could write and direct a movie!) and the acting by everyone, including Cooper, is sadly super-substandard, although I will say that Cooper is the best thing about it.  Even the tagline is pathetic, “If you don’t play you won’t take home the big prize.”  I should have read it and watched the trailer—which is better than the film by 200%—before agreeing to review this one.  Shame on me!  Bending All The Rules is a waste of time of epic proportions and you probably shouldn’t even bother to read the rest of my review because it’s that bad.

The admittedly gorgeous Colleen Porch (most recently seen in the television series Lie To Me and The Mentalist in guest-starring roles) woodenly portrays, Kenna, a former Carny kid whose mother abandoned her when she was a tween, leaving her with her completely deadbeat dick wad of a father, who made his living as a Carny.  Kenna was taught a little bit about the game of the grifter from her father’s loser friends and now uses it to her advantage in her job as a cocktail waitress.

Unable to commit to any one relationship, Kenna works with bartender and deejay, Jeff (Bradley Cooper), who she is also shagging (their Kama Sutra sex scene is possibly the worst on film) and has convinced her other boyfriend, businessman Martin (David Gail—look him up on imdb.com—you won’t find much) to agree to the “situation,” meaning the fact that she is having casual sex with both of them.  Kenna thinks it’s time that she shakes up the world of dating by bending all the rules and behaving like men do. She can get away with it because she looks like a runway model, and oh, she’s a talented photographer who hopes to make art her new career. Of course, Kenna’s long-lost mother returns on the evening of her first art gallery showing hoping to reconcile with her and win her forgiveness, which ruins the night for poor Kenna, who anyone in their right mind would have absolutely no sympathy for.

Both guys know about each other and neither of them is comfortable or happy with the fact that Kenna won’t choose one above the other.  She leads them around by their dicks and fisticuffs eventually ensue. There is no real moral to this story—hell, there’s barely a credible plot line—and the dialogue will literally make you groan out loud. In particular, the scene with Bradley Cooper and the woman who played his mother (Carol Klasek in the most dreadful performance I’ve ever seen) in the restaurant where she’s grilling him about his personal life is a certifiable eye-rolling gagger!

Do not waste one minute thinking about whether or not you should watch this movie. There are no special features on the DVD and even the most die-hard Bradley Cooper fan would be embarrassed to have it in their collection. Two thumbs down digging the dirt!!

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